1. Face up to the pain

Your heart is sore because you loved them and probably for a long time too. Your heart is not sore because you are making a mistake, or that the feeling is wrong. It is normal to feel pain in loss. Don’t deny it. Face up to it. The only way to end pain is to go through it.  Give it time. Do not rush the healing process. It may take days, weeks or months, even years, but it is going to get better with each new day.

  1. Release the pain

Find ways to release the pain. It is toxic to bottle it all up inside. Cry as much as you need to. Pray, cry out to the Lord. Seek His comfort and guidance. Speak to close friends and family. Get a therapist or a professional person to speak to. Write your feelings in your journal, re-read it to remind yourself why you are leaving them and why they are not good for you, burn it later when you feel ready. Write them a letter about how you feel and what they have done, re-read it over and over again, remind yourself why you are breaking up and then tear it up when you feel that you are ready and have said all there was to say.

Do not send them the letters, there is a difference between releasing your pain and asking for a response or discussion. When your heart is still sore and tender, you don’t need their lies and defense at this stage. It may confuse you and reel you back in. Careful not to spend too long in victim mode. Allow a healthy period of grieving and then conduct a funeral or finality ritual for that aspect of your life and beyond that point, teach yourself to let go, slowly but surely.

  1. Trust yourself

Pain is painful. It is easy to convince yourself that you are making a mistake, especially when you start missing them again. It is easy for the heart to paint a rosy picture of things when in reality, they were not good for you. Revisit your values and remind yourself that they broke your trust, disrespected you, betrayed you and were not honest with you. One who steals an egg will steal a chicken. You may forgive them for this one incident but what else is in store for the future, if they do not change their ways? Will they be there for you in your moment of need, lack, loss or vulnerability? Stand in your decision even if it hurts, knowing that it is good for you.

  1. Be honest with yourself

Remember the relationship objectively. Don’t make things worse by painting the relationship as bad or good. All relationships have their own flaws and good qualities. Acknowledge both the good and the bad. Be honest with yourself about what was right and what went wrong. You are most likely to move on much more speedily if you told yourself the truth about what happened, what did not happen and why you cannot be in this relationship anymore.

  1. Get support from friends and family

Speak to family and friends. Spend time with people who make you happy, peaceful and who make you laugh. Get as many hugs and kisses as possible. At this point you need love, love, love and more love! Surround yourself with kind, compassionate and non judgemental people.

  1. Look at the upside of things

To be frank, there are so many lessons to be learnt from this. You have emerged as stronger and wiser than ever before and now you know what kind of partner would be good for you in future. You have through this unpleasant experience, learnt a lot about life, love, yourself and others. Focus on the positives. It is not all that bad. Nothing is ever in vain.

  1. Affirm yourself

They may have walked out with a piece of your future as you had imagined and planned it, they may have shattered your dreams and broken your heart, but they did not destroy or change who you are. You are still a beautiful, kind, compassionate, talented, loving and lovable person. Write down all the good qualities about yourself in a separate journal (for keeps) and read and re-read these every day to remind yourself of your great qualities. This will boost your confidence since break ups can make you feel like you are not good enough. Remind yourself daily how luck the next person you meet will be to have you as a partner and lover!

  1. Cut off all contact with them

When trying to heal, let go and move on, you don’t need to be speaking to them. This will only serve to reopen your wounds and reinforce your pain. Cut off all contact, block them if you need to. Remove any thing in your life that reminds you of them including their clothes, possessions and gifts. Avoid mutual friends until you feel better about the whole situation. Avoid places they are most likely to hang out unless you trust yourself to ignore them and not be affected by their presence.

  1. Keep busy

Find things to populate your new normal. Go out with friends, read books, travel, get a new hobby etc. Keep yourself occupied so that you are not tempted to get back to them out of boredom. Look after yourself during this time and do self-soothing and self-loving things. Lighten up, watch comedies, listen to your favorite songs, watch inspirational dvds etc. Establish new routines.

  1. Don’t rush into dating again

You will only manage to confuse yourself more and hurt the unsuspecting new partner if you tried to date too soon after a heartbreak. Ensure you have dealt with all your issues and let go of all the toxic emotions such as anger, blame, unforgiveness and bitterness. You need to heal and feel better about yourself, life, men, women and love before you let a new person into your life. This way you can be objective about any new arising issues and not mix the present with the past thus ruining any future prospects of a healthy relationship.

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