1. Say how you truly feel and let the chips fall where they may. Do not misrepresent the truth or facts to make anyone feel happy or comfortable. When you do so, you betray the self. When you betray the self you lose all authenticity. Truth does not have to hurt. Truth is quite simply, the truth. Is there something that you have been meaning to say to someone, perhaps something that is bothering you. Summon enough courage to tell them.
  2. Be confident about how you feel (No Self-doubt or second guessing yourself). Work from a place of identifying and protecting your own peace, not from someone else’s standpoint. What gives you peace? What do you want your life to look like? Write it down today as your mission statement and paste it in a place you will see daily and for the next couple of days, live your life from that perspective. That is your compass and north star!
  3. Set conditions and boundaries (“This” will make me happy). Let them know how far you will go and what you will not do. Hold them accountable to those conditions and boundaries when they cross them. Give ultimatums (If this does not happen, this will happen). See where you can compromise, if at all. Is there someone who has crossed the line in your life? What did they do or not do? What should they have done? How has their behavior made you feel? Call them and explain how you feel about what they have done or not done and what you have decided will happen henceforth.
  4. Let people Choose their own paths. You cannot fix people. You cannot think for people. There is a difference between helping people and controlling people. Let adults be adults and live the consequences of their actions. Have a plan in place for how you will deal with certain individuals based on their past track record. Saying no does not mean you have to fight people or break up with them. You can still say no politely and in the kindest way possible. Have you been wrapping your hands tightly around someone else’s neck? What were you hoping to accomplish by putting them on a leash? What are you most afraid of if they live life on their own terms? What do you stand to lose if you set them free? What else could happen if you let them go?
  5. Learn to love people where they are. It does not mean that you accept what they do. It simply means that you allow them to be who they want to be and or who they were meant to be. Understanding that we are all on different life paths and giving someone the mercy and grace to simply be themselves, may be just the medicine they need for their soul. It is also liberating to note that though you may share the same blood, you are not conjoined. Cut the umbilical cord! If both of you live, then good for you. If not, at least one of you lives. Our blood relatives may be our responsibility, but they are not extensions of ourselves. How have you been trying to make things work? What has been the result of that? What are some of the times you have seen them happy? What are some of the times you have been happy? How can you create more of these moments, where you can both be happy?
  6. Be mindful of when help and good intentions become a case of enabling bad behavior. Always take stock of how “helping someone” affects you, financially, mentally, emotionally, physically and even spiritually. If you are bleeding, drained, depleted, exhausted or boarding on financial ruin it may be time to cut your losses. How long have you been trying to help someone? How do they respond to your help? Do they embrace it and use it or do they resist or run? How old is the person? Are they mentally or physically incapacitated? Are you capable of carrying them further? Outside of your help, what other options are there?
  7. Keep evidence, records, or a catalogue of all your efforts. This will remind you that you really have tried your best, next time the mind attempts to guilt trip you into signing up for never ending trauma. Sometimes enough really is enough. Learn to be done. Not mad, not angry, not bitter, just done. What have you done for this person? Do you have records of your efforts? Do you have a catalogue of your history? What do you think of the evidence? What does it suggest you do going forward? Does it appear like there is still more that can be done? How will this effort differ from the last? What outcome are you hoping for? What will you do if you don’t get the desired outcome?
  8. Rally friends and family members to buy into your vision and support your goals and strategies as far as setting boundaries with particular people is concerned. This will ensure you all move in the same direction and there is no contradictions. Who are the helpers? Who are the potential enablers?  When will you speak to them about your thoughts and concerns? How will you ensure they adhere to the plan?
  9. Be okay about standing in your own truth no matter what happens. Be comfortable with losing people who do not respect, value or reciprocate your efforts. Have a no regrets policy when doing what makes you happy. Remember people can only meet you at the level you have met yourself. In other words, how people treat us reflects on how we treat ourselves. Do not feel guilty for demanding that which you are giving. For example, do not feel guilty for expecting and demanding respect if you are being respectful, for expecting and demanding trust, if you are trustworthy. Are there any relationships you will have to cut off completely? Are there any relationships you will have to push to arm’s length? Are there any relationships you will have to rebuild? In the following few weeks, take time to declutter and re-arrange your approach to relationships.
  10. Act with great urgency if a life is under threat. This could be drugs or substance abuses, addictions, homicidal threats, suicidal behavior etc. Is the person suicidal? Are they abusing substances? Are you afraid they will hurt you, themselves or someone else? What institutions are available to help you?
  11. Let go of what you had in mind. Let go of the idea of a perfect family, perfect child, perfect siblings, perfect parents, perfect you or perfect anything. The idea of perfection can keep you stuck in fighting mode and cause you to hold on to things that no longer serve you. When you let go of the idea of perfection you are more likely to be accepting of reality, ready yourself to deal with whatever comes and move on accordingly. What were your dreams for this relationship? When did you notice that the train had left the rails? What does that mean for you as a person, in terms of how you view yourself? How will your reputation be impacted if at all? Are you being compassionate towards yourself or have you turned to self-flagellation out of shame or guilt?
  12. Build a new and revised relationship on your own terms, being as kind to yourself and them as possible, control how far you go with the relationship and have back up or exit plans where necessary. What parts of the relationship will have to change? What parts of yourself or your life will you be sharing with this person and why? What parts of yourself or your life will you be safeguarding from them and why? What parts of their life will you be backing off from and why? What other support systems or relationships do you have that will help cushion you from these changes?

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